We have already completed the bureaucracy necessary to adopt you officially. You will now belong to the N-45 branch of the family with newcomers Norma, Elsenworth, and Mukyra. We would like to reassure you that you will not be given back to those people who lied to you saying that you had an angelic voice and a face to match (the flapperjacks still wonder about that one...match what? the drapes in the living room? the ghastly t-shirt your drunkard father was wearing? your mother's earrings?). We promise you we will never expose you to the ridicule of wearing a Jingle Bells cap or make you 'sing' a song from a long-dead musical. We will love you for what you are instead of exposing you to hundreds of thousands of cruel media addicts or youtubers. We promise we will feed you and love you and let you play with ponies. You are now protected from all the horrors of your parents' frustrated childhoods. We will come for your sisters and brothers later. Welcome to the family, Niki.
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